Muddy weather coming

Last night when we spoke you asked me if anything special had happened, if something pushed the down button. I said no, and that is true, nothing special happend, noone, not a word nor any action set me off, as you know I check myself, regularly to make sure I do not react in a vocal, destructive way, I don't want to become a monster again, and especially not being aware of it, realising that the monster is back and sitting in my brain stirring my thoughts with the spoon of falsehood, with a side if "I'll get your bacon missy!"

I can hear you breathing trough and across the phonelines, the quietness stretches out in the void between us.

The tiredness challanges me, I know that it makes me more fragile and I tend to take everything more personally and a small matter takes on a bigger importans than when I am well rested and all together more whole. There have been a few moments of silence this week, few moments without some sort of negativity being discussed, such things stay on me like cigerett smoke, even if you have just passed through a part of the room where they may smoke it sticks to your clothes and hair, thats what negativity does for me, stick to me and drains me - I have a limit to what I can take on board and I've reached mine.

Marie, you say, a sigh hangs in the air, you have, as long as I've known you, been lousy at taking care of yourself and given yourself what you need, remember, we've discussed this at lenght before, give yourself what you need before giving anything to anyone else! Sort out the issues which are chasing eachother in yor mind, sort them out in issues you do not "own", issued that you can do nothing about and the issues that are yours and which you can do something about and get on with it.

I know what I need, I know what needs to be done, but some things are harder to face, easier at times to face other issues, complaining issues, complaining about other peoples issues. We laugh you and I, thats they way, I know that at times there must be a whirlpool within my brain and my poor "ID" trying to hang on for dear life - not realising that I am hanging on to the tap and can quite easily turn it all off, make it stop, I own all the knowlage to do it, easier being a "poor me" than sorting things out.

But we reach a conclusion - overtierdness can drive anyone crazy, so re-charging and re-energizing by doing things which fills me up is on the order for the weekend.

Remember the time we were down the coast, sitting all night on that beach getting bitten by sandflies discussing life and our role in it?! How we lay down on the sand and gazed at the stars, the full moon, with the sounds of fruitbats, ocean, insects all around us, saying big things like - how small we are - how insignificant in the greater scheme of things. Getting hungry digging in our pockets finding a "curlywurly" and a "milkyroad". They where warm from our bodies and sand had amazingly found its way on to them, but it was a very satisfying meal. Our teeth ached from all the sugar. We lay there, breathing in the scents and salt ocean air, we both admitted to a heavy drowsiness, to buggered to get up. We sleept out under the stars on that beach, waking up in the early ours by a sniffing-in-your- private area-dog and big smiling dogs owner wondering if we had a tough night at the pubs last night.

We drowe home, each taking a shower, change of clothes and settled in for a cup of thé, all contendt, all right in the world just at that moment.

Yes, I remeber I said - you recomended thinking about it more often, and I will take you up on that.

Good night darling missing your arse, heheheh - pirate speak!